Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Stole this from here:

Written by All Gods Fail

Great summary of the bible though.

Once upon a time, many, many thousands of years ago, an obscure little tribe in a desert was created by a supreme being, after this being created the world and everything in it (except for the rest of the people on earth who weren’t members of this tribe – or maybe He created them too. It doesn’t really matter).

These original people disobeyed their god because a snake tricked them into it. Really.
So instead of being eternal, now they were eventually going to die.
After a lot of heavy stuff happens (including this god destroying the world except for a few favorite people), eventually this god gives the tribe a bunch of mystifying laws to follow because they kept sinning all the time.

So the tribe tries to faithfully follow the laws and otherwise do whatever their god demands of them, which often relates to killing other people and taking their land and possessions.
In general, however, the tribe doesn’t do such a good job of following the laws, so the god decides to try something new.

He reveals hell, which is a place of eternal torture for everyone who sins against him. He didn’t create it – it was there all along but nobody really understood it. Also, the devil is now recognized in the same way – he was here all along to destroy mankind, but the tribe didn’t really recognize him as such. In fact, the devil runs hell and punishes those who sin against god – which is the devil’s way to rebel against god. Seriously.

As it turns out, god doesn’t want us to fall into the devil’s clutches for eternity, but he can’t do much about it because no one seems capable of obeying the laws except for a few special people.

So he splits himself into 3 parts (which he always was, but again nobody understood that) and one of those parts is a human being, who is born by spiritual conception and becomes a carpenter who has miraculous powers. However, the human part of god is really a cunning way to save the tribe from the laws the god gave them that the devil uses to put people in hell (plus, the laws now apply to everyone in the world, not just the tribe he created). Since this god demands blood sacrifices for disobeying his laws, he has his human part unjustly executed and sends himself to hell for a few days, then comes back to life.

The tribe he created more or less rejects him, and doesn’t believe he really is their god.

His human part returns to Earth for a little while, then goes back to the sky (or outer space, or some other dimension) where the rest of god lives. But before he does, he gathers a bunch of his followers and tells them to go out and teach everybody about this new deal god made so people can escape hell and spend eternity after they die in a wonderful place instead.

And the new deal is…well, it’s hard to explain exactly. They have to believe the carpenter is god, repent, be born anew, and follow his laws without believing they have to, because laws alone don’t get people into this after-life paradise.

Except they sort of do…you have to obey them, but if you break them the carpenter will forgive you if you’re really sorry. Unless you keep breaking them. But the main thing is accepting the carpenter as god and spreading his word to everyone.
But you still have to be careful you don’t break too many laws, because then you’ll wind up in hell…but if you believe god forgives you, you won’t.

At any rate, don’t break the big rules, the 10 important ones that god originally gave the desert tribe. That will send you to hell for sure. Probably. Unless you repent. Or unless the carpenter-god’s blood sacrifice covers it, but don’t take the blood for granted. It doesn’t cover everything.

Anyway, just go to church a lot and don’t break the laws.
Except the ones that pertain only to the original tribe, because they don’t matter, like eating unclean foods and stoning witches.

Or maybe you should stone witches, but don’t avoid shellfish. But the main thing is to go to church a lot and spread the carpenter’s words. And don’t break his laws, which were both fulfilled and nullified by the carpenter’s sacrifice.

But don’t break the laws, unless you repent afterwards and really try not to break them again. Except for shellfish, which isn’t that important, etc., etc., etc.


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